dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
