shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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