I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
