just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
how can u be prego again
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
