hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
