Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
