I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
The uberlube is also flammable
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
