I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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