The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
