I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
