I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
