my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
