i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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