I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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