would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
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He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
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At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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