Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
