How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
