I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
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