kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
