The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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