I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
