Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
That accounts for only three of the penises
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
