My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
