I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
