My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
