I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
we're so committed to being not committed
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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