I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
