Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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