I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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