he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Pants are for mortals
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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