I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
