20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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