I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
