it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
