forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
