i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Randomize
