The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
