Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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