I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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