Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
