Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
