Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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