I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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