is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I am one with the molecules
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
