I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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