I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
