there was a trapeze. enough said
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
