quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
My cat gives me a boner
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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