there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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