mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
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Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize