overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
FUCK WHALES
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
