Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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