i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
