why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Randomize
