Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
