Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
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his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
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This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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