I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
True college students do jello shots in the library
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
