Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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