Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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