I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Randomize
