what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
